Today I'd like to write about the art of giving (or sometimes what I refer to as the curse of giving). Whether giving is an art or a curse truely is a matter of perspective. Part of the reason why I haven't written sooner was because by the end of the holiday season I met with that inevitable brick wall. The season of giving often leaves me feeling jaded and empty mostly because what people really need to give is some time and compassion all year rather than racing out to see who can buy and give the biggest and best gifts once a year.
Anyhow, I digress. My distaste for Christmas is not really the purpose of this post. The purpose of this post is to discuss my struggle with the need to give and help without having a breakdown a couple times a year.
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| Perspective - J.Walker © 2011 |
All of my life I have been a "helper" or "people-pleaser". I feel compelled to "fix" things or make people feel better about themselves. All I have ever wanted is for everyone to find joy and happiness. The problem is, I and those like me, often end up sacrificing something else entirely; we lose ourselves.
About once a year, I seem to reach a breaking point. I haven't figured out how to avoid it yet but it's usually around November when the Christmas season is ramping up and we're settling in to some cold weather and possibly dealing with the first snowfall.
Since accepting a new position at work, I have had little opportunity to do what I do best; make people feel better and help someone who needs me. My goal for 2012 is to find some volunteer opportunities to feed this part of my personality.
But here's where I struggle with the art vs. the curse of caring. I am an absolute sponge for others' emotions. I carry their hurts and their struggles like they are my own. It's not necessarily a good trait to have, especially as a nurse, but I do own it and know that I have to try to safeguard against negativity or the strife of others.
I am reading a Tammy Hoag novel called, "Secrets to the Grave" right now and in it, there is a character who is a child advocate for the legal system. She is currently trying to support a twelve year old boy who stabbed one of his classmates and the lawyer working for the boy is trying to remind her that boys like him more often than not, are beyond help and that she needs to stop investing so much emotion. The lawyer says to her, "Anne, you need to learn the difference between sympathy and empathy. One makes you a humanitarian. The other will make you miserable."
Laying there soaking in the tub this morning, I had a lightbulb moment. Why hadn't anyone told me that before? I'm not really sure how to be a humanitarian without being miserable. How do I remove my own emotion or stop soaking up others' emotions but yet still hold on to the sensitive soul that I am?
I know for certain that I have several traits of an empath but to go so far as to say I am an empath, well that's quite a leap. I don't think it's something I can block out especially when they teach you in nursing school that empathy is an important piece to being a good nurse. But when I'm in public I can sense the negativity around me, I am often overwhelmed by the strife of others', people open up to me when unsolicited and I feel compelled to help those in pain. When there is tension in any way, or I feel like someone is displeased with me in any way, I shrink back and retreat. I NEED to make people happy.
Either way, I need to find balance. What usually happens is that I get so overwhelmed with being a giver, fixer, helper, empathizer, sympathizer, I end up throwing my hands up in the air and yelling, "ENOUGH". It's not that I don't want to be all of those things but I often feel that it's thankless. A few days of tears is usually all it takes to get back on track but then there are those times that I truely seek an escape. Curling up in a ball and blocking out the world is not a healthy way of dealing with it but it seems to work.
This year, I am going to work on that. If you have any suggestions, let me know. I don't even know where to begin.
