Photography - The Full 360°

Photography?  Who needs it!  Apparantly I do.

My first "ah ha" moment came in June on my birthday when my very dear friend (sister from another mister), Roberta gave me a new bridge digital camera.  For those of you who don't do cameraspeak, it means it has lots of manual features but not completely manual and has lots of fun buttons and doodads.  I don't think she ever really thought about the meaning behind the gift, just "someone who deserves nice things should have nice things".  It meant so much more than that to me.

Since I was old enough to talk I had wanted to become a nurse.  I had derived a great sense of pleasure from helping others.  Then came high school.  I took a photography class and fell in love.  There was something so magical about creating an image, watching it come to life in the developing tray.  The teacher of that photography class became a great inspiration and I will forever be grateful to John Shoveller for encouraging me and believing in me even when I didn't.  Unfortunately, he is no longer with us but what I wouldn't give to hear his stories and laughter.  The photos that he gave me are a cherished reminder of what a wonderful mentor he was.

By time applications for college were coming due, I had long convinced myself that I could never do a "book course" in college because I just wasn't smart enough (even though I was practically a straight A student) and so, it made logical sense to me to take an art course.

I moved to London and went to Fanshawe and I quickly learned that I didn't want to do their stupid assignments.  I just wanted to take photos of what I wanted.  I hated physics and no matter how hard I tried I could not remember equations.  I hated art history because I could not remember dates.  I hated portrait photography because I hated dealing with humans (I know, I know, kinda weird given how much I like helping people).  By the end of it all I failed one class and didn't graduate and my self-esteem was at an all-time low.  I had never failed a class in my life.  I remember calling my parents just sobbing feeling utterly ashamed.  How could I try so hard and still not come out on top? 

I left Fanshawe in April 1999 feeling devoid of inspiration, filled with frustration, and weighted down with a sense of failure and defeat.  Every time there was any sort of party or occasion, "Jen will take the pictures, she's the one trained to do it."  I never got to enjoy anything because I was the "documenter".  I grew resentful of the camera I had once loved.  I truely felt that anyone who tried to take their passion and make it their career was headed for heartbreak.  College and all that was associated with it had made me hate the camera. 

Come October, I discovered I was going to be a mommy and that was the end.  I took snapshots of my daughter but nothing remotely artistic and when I look at the photos I am filled with a sense of longing to turn back the clock and redocument everything from birth til now.    The reality though, was that my desire to take photos had waned since having my daughter. 

After that life just happened.  Welcome to the digital age.  The year after I left school everything in the program turned 100% digital.  Life was changing and what I had learned would be obsolete anyways.  I would've had to go back and relearn everything about digital photography.  By time my daughter was one, I was a single mom, depressed, demoralized and just plain tired and soon I hardly ever thought about photography anymore.

Years go by with crappy disposable cameras, and then a digital point and shoot by 2008 so we can take some half decent honeymoon photos (I did not give up on love, YAY ME).  It was great to finally have a digital camera but I grew weary of not being able to have control over the image like I wanted.  I experimented as best I could for awhile until I grew annoyed and once again set the camera aside, only used to take photos to remember special occasions.

My brain became my camera.  Everywhere I looked I was thinking, "If I set the aperature to this I can make it do that" or "If I could just slow the shutter speed down I can make it look like that" or "If I angled the camera this way and the light was coming from that direction...."

Then came that fateful birthday.  Who knew 33 would go down in history as the most memorable birthday ever.  It wasn't about the camera itself.  Roberta had given me a piece of me back.  I know she will never see it that way but I will always think of it like that.  It was saying, "You need to find yourself again".

Now I am on my way again.  I have taken LOTS of photos and am itching to take more.  One thing is for sure though, never again will I put the camera aside and never again will I be boxed in by it either.  This is my passion and I will protect it at all costs.

Carved - J.Walker © 2011